As expected of the run-up to Halloween the box office has been scary the last few weeks! The internet seems to be all abuzz about Joker: Folie a Don’t, and Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis laid an egg- but don’t ever count one of the greats as down and out! Because this weekend a quickly edited version is being relaunched to capitalize on spooky season and hopefully earn some money so Coppola can buy back some parcels of his vineyard.
Inspired by the fact that Adam Driver’s profile is itself shark-like get ready for Megalodonopolis! No longer is the secret element Megalon the key to unlocking a utopian society! No more are moving walkways the solution to urban planning’s woes! No more are characters killed by a bow and arrow “disguised” as a bedridden character’s erection! Wait- no, that actually sounds dope. We’ll leave that in. But everyone else is going to get got by giant prehistoric sharks which can seamlessly be added to the film without actually making it any more batshit than before.
Imagine “The Meg” and Driver’s dinosaur epic “65” enjoying a nice slow dance while Coppola sidles his way up to them from across the floor, lightly and inappropriately kissing them on the cheek before the whole thing turns into a slap and tickle fest, and then open your wallet for the “ultimate experience” where a random audience member gets attacked by an actual shark and the scene where Shia LeBouef’s character gets savagely devoured plays five times in a row.
Or you can be a pussy and go see Terrifier 3 and kiss that delicious Coppola Director’s Cut Cabernet goodbye forever.